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CU Bluffs: Congress proposes bill to safeguard sperm, sparks uprising

The 115th House of Representatives proposed a bill earlier today federally protecting all sperm as potential, sacred life. The bill, formally called The Justice for Immaterial Zygotes (JIZ) Act recognizes ejaculation as the point of conception.

Outlined in the act are the rights granted to each individual spermatozoon and the duty of the federal, state and local governments to protect those constitutional rights.

In short, the bill will make it a felony for men to engage in any activity that wastes potential life or doesn’t at least attempt to create life. This means that male masturbation, while recognized by the general population as a last resort used only in the most dire circumstances, will become a crime.

The potential law is being critiqued as a gross violation of civil rights as it has dangerous implications for men’s health. History has shown that when men’s masturbatory freedoms are restricted, they turn to risky alternatives involving various kinds of fruits.

The bill was proposed and sponsored by an entirely minority and female group of congressional representatives and these opponents of the bill complain that laws about their reproductive health should not be made by women who cannot understand the plight of men.

Men across the country, and worldwide, are marching in opposition to a government dominated by women. In male solidarity they march, brandishing signs reading “Get off my d***!” “Men’s rights are human rights” and “Congress is a stripper … of our civil rights,” among other slogans. These demonstrations, which have already gathered a record-breaking 4 million participants across cities and countries, are a spilling over of the injustice that men in this country have experienced throughout history.

“Enough is enough” they chant. They are no longer staying silent about the under representation of men in the legislative branches — women make up 80 percent of all law-making power.

Gentlemen Uprising — as the movement refers to itself — is built upon the meninist theory which values men the same as women in this society. Their goal is to bring restitution to a history of men taking the second seat to women in all areas of their life — education, careers, government and even family.

As such, they are dismayed by the fact that, even in the 21st century, American society has not progressed and a group of women can make laws restricting men’s bodily sovereignty when women cannot fathom what it is like to possess a pair of testicles. If this law is to pass, they argue, then a similar act restricting women from having their periods ought also to accompany it.

It only makes sense, one Gentleman explains, that if it is illegal for the reproductive specimen of a male to leave his body without intention of becoming a human, then the same should apply to women when their uterine wall detects no human life and vacates the premises. These are both wasted lives, so why are only men being targeted?

Yet despite the impassioned complaints of men’s rights activists, the bill is expected to move smoothly through the house and become law in the coming months.

Disclaimer: All people, places, and events in this piece are presented in a fictional manner.

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The CU Independent, or CUI for short, is the student news outlet for the University of Colorado at Boulder. We cover news, sports, politics, opinion, arts and entertainment and more. Our mission is to provide news and commentary that's for students and by students — about the things we care about.

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