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During my freshman year, I spent some time in CU’s Greek system. Of the memories made in those few months, one stands out. It is the time the freshman class was sat down and yelled at by the seniors to “stop throwing themselves around fraternity houses.”
That moment has stuck with me, to say the least.
College is mythicized to be a hot bed for sexual activity— a haven for men to get laid and for women to give it up. And in a lot of ways, sure: no parents, no problem. I get the mentality. But what kinds of expectations have been made for sexuality in college? What kinds of pressures have been created for women and men alike?
From the starting line, the male/female playing field is unfair when it comes to college hookup culture. A “hookup” tends to be a more private way to describe a random sexual encounter of any sort, from kissing to sex. The conversation at the family table tends to ask Martha if she’s dating and pities her if she’s not. Meanwhile, they’ll congratulate Morris for “seeing what’s out there.” Livia Gershon, writer for JSTOR Daily, explains that “The typical argument is that women want relationships but settle for casual sex because that’s what the culture has to offer.”
Okay, fine, assuming this is “the way it is,” why are we turning around and slut-shaming women for engaging in casual sex? Why are we, as a culture, disappointed in women for behaving this way? The standard narrative about hookup culture and sex in general, is that women are supposed to be the gatekeepers — the “pure” ones who are reluctant to have sex —and men are supposed to be promiscuous as a sign of masculinity. These are the assumptions, but what is really going on here? What can we do to change this mentality? What is this “standard” teaching us about expectations for the opposite sex? If feminism believes in equal opportunity, let’s level the playing field.
Why were the older girls ashamed of the younger sorority members for “misbehaving” at the party? What are women teaching fellow women about their sexuality, versus the mentality widely spread amongst men? It’s a double-edged sword: Men are also getting put in a teeny tiny box that dictates hookup culture as part of exemplifying their masculinity. Martha’s femininity is apparently hurt by not being in a relationship, where Morris’ masculinity is socialized to leave it at sex, as if it were “unmasculine” for a man to want an actual relationship. On the other side of the argument, it is entirely unfair to assume that women only seek relationships and that men only pursue hookups.
The contradiction comes from how men are looking at women. When women sleep around they tend to gain a certain reputation of being “easy”. They become limited in their perception as human beings who deserve to make their own choices without backlash. The fear women have of being disregarded is much to blame for slut-shaming. When men disrespect the value of women by reducing their worth to sexual objects, other women become threatened by what this means for their character. This makes the word “slut” accessible. If you can put another woman down for being a “slut,” it makes you less of one. Although the goal might be to distance oneself from also being recognized in this light, slut-shaming is damaging for feminism. When women disregard other women as sluts they degrade the validity of their gender performance, when they should be lifting each other up.
A major issue in feminism is women disrespecting and degrading other women. I feel very guilty at times about this. It is so easy to deem a woman a “slut” for the way she dresses, the way she dances, the way she touches and the way she exemplifies a want for sex. We have been socialized to understand this. But that does not mean the conversation is over. How can women expect to gain respect from the opposite gender, when they are rejecting each other?
Women must take control of this issue and become conscious of how they are classifying other women and supporting each other. This way, women can exemplify to men the worth of those who choose to engage in casual sex. Women need to encourage men, just as men need to encourage women, to empower themselves by being confident in their decisions and how they treat their bodies. It is important to look out for each other and be safe, but it is also important to re-examine the judgment we are so quick to impose upon others.
We need to trust one another, lift each other up, and respect the decisions we choose to make. We need to stand up to other women and refuse the judgment women get for “throwing themselves around fraternity houses.” And maybe someday soon, young college women can look at the once-called “slut” as a woman who is making her own, free, legitimate life choices.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Dani Pinkus at danielle.pinkus@colorado.edu.
