Satire

#Progressive

In anticipation of the upcoming presidential election results, the elite are moving underground and into luxurious bunkers.

The Pumpkin Spice Latte’s popularity and record-breaking sales owes credit to countless artists just trying to make a statement.

The recent operating system update has fixed existing bugs and added new communication features, but some are noticing bizarre new issues.

A malfunction of CU Rec Center’s air filtration system has resulted in excessive ab checks and a hankering for protein shakes.

So what do the new freshmen have to offer? By Hayla Wong