Due to the global coronavirus outbreak, people are hoarding all of the toilet paper, leaving you and many others lacking the essential bathroom supply. Not to worry! Here are some easy and helpful solutions that can get you back on that toilet when you’ve run out of tissue.
You can have a lot of fun with this. Just go outside and walk under a tree. You will surely find leaves big enough for comfortable wiping. Do not wipe with poison ivy. Leaves of three, let it be.
You might have noticed that you currently have an excess of money since you’re spending all your time in your two-story 3,500-square-foot abode. Not to worry. Take the George Washingtons that are stuffing up your wallet and use them as toilet paper. But please, remember: Do not wipe on the president’s face. He’s an American hero. Show some respect.
This one might seem a little gross, but if you are able to wipe on only one side of the handkerchief, then you can put that baby right back in your breast pocket and still have the other side for sneezing.
4. Ketchup Packets
This one is easy. Simply take all of the ketchup and mustard packets you stole from restaurants, tape them all together and wipe away. Salt packets can work too, although it would be smart to empty the salt before you start wiping so that the salt does not suddenly pour into your anus.
5. Ikea Instruction Manuals
Everyone has at least one piece of furniture from Ikea. What you could do is take the instruction manual that came from that furniture, and wipe your behind with the Swedish language side. Keep the English side safe from fecal matter so you can still put together that nice coffee table.
6. The New Testament
This one only works for the non-Christians. Simply take all the pages from Matthew to Revelations, and use them as substitute toilet paper. The paper might be a little coarse so wipe gently. Also, there is a chance that you will go to hell if the Catholics got it right.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Alex Mumm at firstname.lastname@example.org.