Disclaimer: All people, places, and events in this piece are presented in a fictional manner.
The following is a transcript of Boulder’s Regional Transportation District (RTD) new promotional video:
Welcome to Boulder’s premier public transportation network. Today you’ll learn the in’s and out’s of riding our bus network safely to your destination.
A few things to keep in mind:
No food, drink, camera flash, bow, arrows or gambling.
If you feel the need to hang up your hammock during your trip with us, please be considerate and adjust your straps as to not hit other patrons in the face as you swing.
If harassed by an upset patron, it might be a good idea to invent an alter-ego. Changing your name to something like “Sandy” or “Kevin” will reduce the psychological harm of someone asking your name over and over to mess with your head.
Keep a flexible schedule. Some routes can be five, 10, 15, 20, 25 or even 30 minutes off schedule. Sometimes our HOP drivers will even just pull off by the graveyard on the Hill to just “look around”.
To make room for all riders, please refrain from “manspreading” or considering your bag to be more worthy of a seat than a fellow human being. If you catch an RTD bus service during a standing room only situation, initiate the “dry ramen noodle formation”. This will require you and all other standing riders to morph into a compact and spooning rectangle. If you feel that all personal space and social norms are being violated, you are correct.
The RTD HOP route is mostly reserved for a gaggle of freshmen on their way to Target for craft supplies. If you intend to enjoy your ride, it’s best to take literally any other form of transportation.
We pride ourselves on serving your needs. If you find a band-aid on the floor, please pick it up and add it to your RTD first aid kit along with that saggy plastic grocery bag you just sat in. Who knows, you could use it to wave us down next time we blow by your stop.
If you require loading your bike onto the front bus rack, our drivers will assist you by looking blankly through the windshield and nodding slightly while you mouth, “is this right?” and jostle your bike with unease onto the rack. When you try to board the bus, our drivers will then shake their head “no” to you and point to the rack. As you attempt to fix it, your driver will encourage you on your second attempt by nodding “yes” to you until you load your bike. Try to get on the bus again, but not so fast! You’ll receive another “no” nod and an additional vague point in the direction of the bus rack. This will go on for about five minutes in complete silence, so please build in time accordingly.
On your morning commute, if a woman tries to convince you that we are all living in the matrix and that her DNA is a “freebird,” do not be alarmed, that’s just Maggie.
Please remember that RTD drivers are responsible for a safe and efficient ride for all eligible riders. If you try to use a carnival ticket from 2007 as a bus pass, RTD drivers will respect you for holding onto such a keepsake, but will deny you entry onto the vehicle.
Thank you for your attention during this video. Now you know how to ride any of the Boulder area’s RTD vehicles. After your ride with RTD today, please download our app to enjoy buffering graphics and bus times that only serve the purpose of distracting you as you impatiently wait for the next bus.
Contact Arts Writer Shannon Ross at email@example.com.