According to a new study published this week, top environmentalists across the nation have concluded that if every person slept 24 hours a day “we would be out of this mess.”
“Carbon levels and the length of work days have both been steadily rising for the past 60 years. This correlation proves causation,” a group of climate scientists at CU Boulder said in a statement. “Using ground-breaking algorithms, we have found the optimum sleep time required to reduce stress on the planet and decrease carbon levels.”
The study was a collaboration between climate scientists and psychologists, who suggested mental health and the overall social climate of all people who slept 24 hours a day would improve. Particularly on college campuses across the nation, where climate change and mental health seem to be students’ main worries, the results of study offer an easy solution to fix both major problems.
The results have already inspired some progress here on campus. After the study’s release, class participation dropped by a whopping 100 percent, and CU’s carbon levels dropped by 50 percent. Apparently, students have welcomed the news with open arms. The CU Independent was also able to get its hands on a new plan by the board of regents to shut down the C4C and the UMC due to the drop in student patronage.
A statement by the board explains, “We are so excited for the next chapter in University of Colorado at Boulder’s future as we look to erase our carbon footprint. With the closing of the university’s main dining halls, CU will cut down on unnecessary and excessive consumption. Students can sleep soundly knowing that CU is taking such groundbreaking steps to help make their future, and the plant’s future, better.”
Unconfirmed reports saw Chancellor DiStefano saying that the savings from the closing of the dining halls will be invested in organizations who have “tried to” curb climate change. Some of these organizations include Exxon Mobil, Shell and even the EPA.
Thanks to these scientists, climate change may be a thing of the past. Our streets will be clear, our air clean and our planet will thrive.
Disclaimer: All people, places, and events in this piece are presented in a fictional manner.
Contact CU Independent Opinion Columnist Conner Kingsley at firstname.lastname@example.org.