Grapevine’s Alex Myers dishes on how to get laid

**Content does not necessarily reflect the views of the CU Independent**

There are times when guys wonder why they can never get laid. Some dudes think it is because of the way that their breath smells or from the way their hair looked on a certain day.  However, it is most likely that their failure to secure a mate is due to the abundant amount of sweet men in the world — the amount of nice guys out there makes the competition nearly impossible. Luckily I have a couple of tips that will surely help the men of CU who find themselves sleeping alone more than they would like to.

Refer to our lady parts as “p*ssies”

Girls find it super sexy when you refer to our lady parts as “p*ssies.” The word doesn’t make us cringe or anything.  It really gets us in the mood when a guy tries to act like they are in some kind of schoolgirl porno.  We don’t think that it is degrading or anything. Honestly, just keep on saying “p*ssy” and you will for sure be able to get lucky.

Cry to us about your ex

It is definitely a really big turn on when we hear about a guy’s ex-girlfriend right before we’re about to have sex. We love knowing that you are thinking about another girl.  It doesn’t make us think that you’re emotionally unavailable, it totally makes us look at you as a challenge. Most girls crave a challenge. We think, “Wow, maybe we can be the ones to help him get over her.” We definitely don’t ever think about the drama that comes with a guy that still loves his ex.

Bring a girl all the way home and say you don’t have a condom

If you really want to have sex with a girl, tell her that you don’t have a condom right when you get home from the bar or a party. That will be the best move to get in her pants. A girl loves knowing that she is taking a huge chance on having your child or getting some sort of STI. It’s probably one that has never even been heard of before, like the “Boulder Bruise.” Hell, if you do knock a girl up, you will have a baby mama and a hook-up buddy for the rest of your life. Sounds like a dream come true, right? 

Say that you’re sill living with your parents

Girls love to hear that a man in his 20s is still living with his parent(s). It’s one of those things that girls just can’t get enough of. Knowing that you are in your 20s and still don’t know how to live without your parents is something that really turns us on.  It’s all good; just have your parents chill downstairs right before the action happens. We love having a good chat with a parent before and after sex. It doesn’t make things awkward at all.

Finding another girl’s underwear

We love to see that you have a bunch of girls’ underwear in you room right before we have sex. It doesn’t make us think that you are man-whore. We still feel like we are the special one in your heart. And no, we don’t see it as repulsive or rude; rather, that a man has to do what a man has to do. We’d even love to offer you pair of ours so you can keep them as a souvenir!

Contact CU Independent Grapevine Contributor Alex Myers at Alexandra.Myers@colorado.edu.

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