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CU Bluffs: #newyearnewcatcallingtechnique

“It’s been a major improvement, really,” said CU freshman Jenny Jones, in regards to the decrease in catcalling she has experienced so far at the Rec this semester.

“So, I got back to Boulder on Friday. I’ve been to the Rec three times and only two of those times did I hear some dude say ‘Nice a**!’, or ‘Hey sweet thing, wanna meet up at the Downer tonight?’ Being able to go the Rec and not experience catcalling for once has been a really refreshing experience.”

Jones explained that she went to the Rec regularly last semester and nearly every time she tried to work out a bro would make an inappropriate comment.

Due to the loud music and the din of bodies getting into shape, male patrons of the Rec are revolutionizing catcalling. Instead of the expected holler across the street, these catcallers understand the importance of connection and are making their advances far more intimate. Like true cats, they brush past their target and mutter their line, leaving the target unsure if the comment was even meant for them in the first place. This is a truly innovative new approach, a.k.a. the Southern California Method, to fruitless propositions. The name originated from rumors that the first people to attempt this version of catcalling hail from Southern California.

“Honestly, it [the catcalling] made it really hard to go the Rec last semester, I don’t know what it will take for the male population of CU to realize women like to work out too, and it’s never cool to whisper things at us,” Jones said. “Seriously, when’s the last time you talked to a happy couple and ask how they met and the guy responds ‘So I saw this total cutie at the gym and I just started catcalling her like crazy, and we hit it off from there?’ Probably never.”

Jones went on to add that while she has experienced a catcall-free day, her friends have not been as fortunate. “Yeah, so two of my homegirls have also gone to the Rec three times and they have been catcalled every time.”

Jones explained further: “The sad thing is we don’t just have to deal with this at the Rec. Dudes act like the big staircase in the UMC is like their personal Victoria’s Secret Show. I really don’t care if you think I’m totally ‘working those leggings today.'”

The UMC provides another haven for attempted catcallers, as the stampedes that occur in the building during class changes, coupled with the beginning-of-semester bookstore rush, allows for rude comments to be shouted in the traditional form of catcalling or whispered in the trendier Southern California Method in the book rental line/stacks.

According to Jones, “Yesterday I was checking out a biology book, and a total d-bag pulled the Whisper Method and said we should go on a study date because he likes ‘brainy girls.’ It took every ounce of self-control to not use my biology textbook as a weapon.”

With school back in full swing, there have been multiple unconfirmed reports of the Southern California Method being used in classes. It remains to be seen if this new and even creepier form of catcalling remains popular throughout the semester.

Humans of CU, be good people, respect everyone’s right to work out, study and shop in peace and please, please, please stop catcalling.

Disclaimer: All people, places, and events in this piece are presented in a fictional manner.

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The CU Independent, or CUI for short, is the student news outlet for the University of Colorado at Boulder. We cover news, sports, politics, opinion, arts and entertainment and more. Our mission is to provide news and commentary that's for students and by students — about the things we care about.

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