CU Bluffs: DIA to auction bunkers to election ’16 escapees

Starting this week, the underground tunnels beneath Denver International Airport will be put up for auction as luxury suites.

As anxiety about the outcome of the upcoming election mounts, citizens with little hope for our nation’s democratic process are searching for alternatives. The moving-to-Canada craze has become far too popular, but most escapists aren’t actually willing to give up their American citizenship and lifestyles — the perks are just too great — despite their fear of a Donald Trump- or Hillary Clinton-controlled White House. Thus, these can’t-live-with-it-can’t-live-without-it escapees have turned to domestic solutions: They’re moving underground.

Construction on these tunnels started in May and easily fell under the public’s radar, written off as just another gosh darn Colorado pot-funded highway construction project.

In a press release from the project yesterday, famous architect I. M. Pei gave a preview of what the luxurious hideouts would be like:

“Each unit will be approximately 2,500 square feet, two stories high, carbon-fiber and titanium-reinforced, bomb-proof and protected by around-the-clock security. They champion state-of-the-art appliances and are equipped with an advanced climate control system to mimic the outside environment while filtering out any political climate. Internet service is secured with an anti-email-deletion program as well as a firewall to keep any stray websites from south of Texas out.”

The starting bid for one of these safe-havens is $27 million.

The auction will begin Nov. 1, a week away from the election, and is rumored to be a high-profile event. Celebrities and millionaires will be flying in to Denver to invest in a slice of this coveted piece of real estate. Attending this auction will be revealing as to where these people stand on politics. The Kardashians have expressed interest in pitching in for a family-shared unit to use as a timeshare for when one sister “just can’t.”

News of this economic venture by DIA is monumental as it strengthens conspiracy theorists’ speculation that there are in fact secret bunkers hidden beneath the airport. DIA has consistently denied these allegations and states that the pictures online of these ominous tunnels are just of working parts of the airport used by workers for transporting luggage and other cargo.

Yet the ominous art in the terminal and the revealing blue horse by the highway approaching the airport has too much of an apocalyptic vibe to be ignored. Furthermore, the swastika-esque shape of the runways paired with the mural of gas-masked soldier does little to quell suspicions. It is rumored that the Illuminati and the New World Order have another purpose for the airport: safety for the elite when doomsday does arrive.

Given the starting auction bid for one of these units and the timing of this announcement, crazy may not be so crazy after all.

Disclaimer: All people, places, and events in this piece are presented in a fictional manner.

CU Independent

The CU Independent, or CUI for short, is the student news outlet for the University of Colorado at Boulder. We cover news, sports, politics, opinion, arts and entertainment and more. Our mission is to provide news and commentary that's for students and by students — about the things we care about.

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