CU Bluffs: Girlfriend OS 10 still has some kinks to be worked out

Last week, global human technology company Person™ released its newest version of its Girlfriend operating system. The update claims to fix existing glitches and adds features to the Girlfriend’s communication abilities. Most users are thrilled with these new improvements, but others are noticing grievous issues that have them wondering: Is it worth it? Here’s what we know.

Worth it:

The most prominent improvement of Girlfriend OS 10 is an improvement in communication strategy. Couples are communicating with more ease since Person™ added its Direct feature and its Decision feature. With the Direct feature Girlfriends are now able to say what they really want without having to first process what they think their partner wants them to want.

Furthermore, there is less lag time for Girlfriends when they are uncomfortable or feel like they should not express a discomfort. Alongside this is the Decision feature which minimizes time spent getting past apathy about date plans and the morning outfit choice fiasco. We expect to see similar changes to Boyfriend OS 10 when it is released next month.

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Person™ also added 30 seconds a week for Girlfriends running OS 10 to clean their hair out of the sink and shower drains. Like the pride flag emoji, it’s about goddamn time.

Not worth it:

Even with the added features and fixed issues from before, some men and women have unfortunately been experiencing some new glitches.

Despite improved communication features, Girlfriend connectivity has been dropping out randomly. Partners have been reporting that their Girlfriends will be having normal conversations and going about their daily activities as they usually do, then suddenly zone out.

At first, their significant others were concerned that this reflected negatively on the relationship. Programmers at Person™  have issued a statement explaining that in order for Girlfriends to communicate and show affection at such a high caliber, there are times where they just need to be alone with their thoughts. Most Girlfriends revive after a few minutes with a curt “huh,” then carry on where they left off. The more difficult cases require, at most, a snack.

Yet, these periods of blankness are quite minor compared to the other kinks that the majority of partners are reporting.

Literally, new kinks.

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While most people can’t complain if their partner wants to spice things up a little, some Girlfriends on OS 10 have taken things to ghost pepper levels. This new widespread appreciation for the taboo and rarely explored areas of sexuality has come fast and unannounced and is shaking up Girlfriends’ partners’ regard for them. Some significant others harken back to the good ol’ days of vanilla and predictability.

In response to the mass confusion, Person™ issued another statement earlier today:

We are aware of the sudden changes of Girlfriend OS 10 and are working to resolve the alleged issue as soon as possible. In the meantime, we suggest that you do some work on it yourselves.

Hayla Wong

Head Opinion Editor Hayla Wong hails from Hawaii and is majoring in Sociology, minoring in Philosophy. When she is not writing serious social critiques, she provides her social commentary as satire pieces.

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