CU Bluffs: Rec closed due to testosterone spill

The University of Colorado Recreation Center is temporarily closed due to a disastrous testosterone leakage. The spill is being called “the BP of Boulder.”

The leak was first brought to the attention of Rec Center staff on Tuesday at around 2 p.m. by the mother of one unfortunate 7-year-old. Gina Fischer, 35, said that her son suddenly sprouted a full crop of chest hair as they were leaving the family changing room after a pleasant day at the Buff-shaped pool. Fischer’s son, Paulo, reportedly looked down at himself, said, “Dope!”, then trooped off toward the county clerk’s office to change his name to Blaze. His mother described the scene as “horrific.”

Shortly after that first infection, other students began reporting increased adrenaline, a drop in voice pitch and a desire to be the best and the biggest. Male gym-goers who were present when testosterone levels skyrocketed have complained of acne outbreaks, breast growth and shrunken testes.

The Rec was evacuated once these symptoms of testosterone overdose reached an all-time high. It was identified as a health hazard at this point, and not just gym culture. As of last night, at least 419 patrons have been given hormone treatment in nearby local hospitals in a frantic attempt to prevent lasting effects.

Meanwhile, investigators have been tracking down the cause and location of the leak. Back in 2014 when the Rec was remodeled, architectural planners, biologists and environmental scientists teamed up to design an air filtration system that purifies excess hormones from the gym’s air. The air is sent through a complex series of filters and ducts. The liquefied waste from this procedure is then stored in 50-gallon drums in the basement that are replaced every six months. One unconfirmed source said the old drums are sent off to Russian Olympic athletes for research.

Preliminary reports indicate that the leak was not the result of a rupture to the storage tanks, but rather to a malfunction and backup in the air ventilation system. No foul play is suspected. Investigators are now tasked with determining how so much testosterone could be collected in such short amount of time. The drums weren’t due to be replaced until next month.

“We think it has to do with the sheer number of students who have discovered the joy of exercise at the tail end of the summer,” said John McIntosh, a physiologist. “Physical exertion boosts testosterone levels in all people. In order to regulate hormone levels, excess testosterone must be excreted from the body. Mainly this occurs through urination and perspiration. I would wager that the hotter temperatures as well as collective passion for ‘the grind’ (as they call it) plus the overpopulation of gym rats were what ultimately caused this overflow.”

The filtration feature was meant to curtail excessive weight slamming, unnecessary flexing (including, but not limited to, ab checks and back/tricep examinations), grunting, nipply muscle tees and bad form as a result of overconfidence in one’s own strength. Up until Tuesday, the system had managed to keep these side effects of lifting to a minimum and the Rec had been a pleasant workout environment for its patrons. However, it became ever more clear that there was something wrong when all deadlifts were performed with rounded backs and grunts could still be heard from the ostensible safety of Norlin Library.

Until Rec-goers can distinguish between four seasons rather than just two — “bulking” and “cutting” seasons — the Recreation Center will remain closed.

Hayla Wong

Managing Editor Hayla Wong is from Hawaii and is majoring in Sociology, minoring in Philosophy. When she is not writing serious social critiques, she provides her social commentary as satire pieces.

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