Opinions do not necessarily represent CUIndependent.com or any of its sponsors.
Contact CU Independent Opinion Staff Writer Hayla Wong at hayla.wong@colorado.edu.
I always flinch when I say “sorry.” Not because I don’t feel remorse, but because sometimes I apologize for no apparent reason. I apologize when I happen to be standing where someone else is trying to walk. I apologize when someone holds the door for me and I should say “thank you” instead. I apologize when I’m not fast enough at pulling out my debit card in line at a coffee shop. I apologize for having my quirks, bad timing and human error. I’m sorry for being sorry.
In an episode of her show Inside Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer mocks the female tendency to apologize for anything and everything, even when no harm has been done. The women in the skit are high-achieving experts in their field, yet at the conference they attend they are overcome with humiliation whenever they ask for a glass of water, clear their throats, assert themselves or talk about their ground-breaking research. Schumer’s mockery, however, is not to belittle women, nor is it a misplaced exaggeration. This humorous skit instead raises the issue of our culture of apology, in which women are conditioned to view their every action as somehow offensive, unwarranted or mistaken.
So, why are we apologizing for simply doing what we do?
This little word — “sorry”— is self-defeating. While it covers our bases and puts up a barrier against external criticism, it creates a cushion for internal deprecation. By immediately becoming overly apologetic, we deny our own realities. There is absolutely no reason we ought to feel shame about being exactly what we are. We — meaning everyone — are not a burden on society or the people around us. This hyperconsciousness is exhausting and puts down aspects of ourselves we should be celebrating. Own it!
Similarly, but with a different motive, apologies distance intent from action. While self-defeating apologies distance a person from their own actions because of an internalized lack of confidence, afterthought apologies are used to shirk responsibility when actions go awry. An afterthought apology is like a disclaimer that death may occur, but it can only be read on the sealed and uninflatable airbags of a deliberately faulty car.
These apologies make a feeble attempt to justify wrong actions. “Oops, sorry” is not enough to repair betrayal or harm. One cannot bank on apologizing as an easy out after doing something fundamentally unjust. Because no self-respecting human will respond to a cover-up “sorry” with, “You know what? You may have been inconsiderate, neglected to feed my dog for the week I was away, so he died, but because you apologized, you’re off the hook, man!” If you don’t mean what you do or say, then don’t do or say it in the first place. Easy as that.
On the other hand, apologies do demonstrate remorse. They are a gesture of humility and acknowledge a lapse in judgement. They do not, I repeat, do not, serve as a reset button available at any instance when personal interest detracts from conscious consideration. But sometimes, they’re the best we can do. Sometimes actions cause unanticipated and unintended reactions. In these cases, there isn’t much more that can be done other than apologize for the harm we inadvertently caused. Moreover, sometimes “sorry” isn’t even the word we’re searching for. Sometimes when we are apologizing to a friend about “being such a mess — a burden”, what we really want to express is gratitude for them being there for us.
The meaning of an apology has been temporarily lost. Modern society has alleviated the gravity of some words and made them essentially meaningless. “Sorry” is one of those words. It’s effortlessly used without purpose and without necessity. Acknowledging the misuse of apologies and our culture of over-apologizing serves to remind us of the consequences of our actions, both good and bad. There’s no need to apologize for being who you are (be proud!), but demonstrate humility when your actions take a wrong turn and end up not reflecting positive intentions.
Before you automatically apologize, stop and consider — do you really mean it?
