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I’ll admit it. I love it when guys talk dirty. The more aggressive, the better. There’s something so hot about pushing each other’s boundaries and seeing what sort of animalistic behaviors come out.
But when it comes to dirty talk, I find that it’s often difficult and awkward to ask for or initiate. Consequently, I default to keeping things more conservative. This saddens me.
I shouldn’t have to worry about talking dirty when I’m getting dirty, right?
But then I think of the many, many things that could contribute to the potential of some really awkward moments. You can be too dirty, like Colfax dirty. Or you could not be dirty enough, and come off like a total tool. The most likely situation, however, is that it could be absolutely cheesy and hilarious. And hilarious is not sexy.
I can begin to see why people wouldn’t prefer dirty talk as a result.
My roommate Kristen discussed the topic with one of her guy friends, and both decided they didn’t like it.
“It’s creepy,” she said. “Sex isn’t actually supposed to be like porn and although I consider myself to be a modern woman, I don’t want to feel like a whore when ****ing.”
Like Kristen, many people dislike the fact that degradation often comes with the dirty talk territory. There is indeed a line between thrilling naughty vocabulary and straight up porno-grade dialogue. Not knowing the difference can result in a disgruntled back-hand to the face.
I asked my roommate Marnie about it and she said that dirty talk is awkward and that she was not a fan. She recalled a night she met a British guy when she was in Cancun for spring break.
“He started talking while having sex and it was SO weird,” she said.
You’d think the sexy English accent wouldn’t make this a problem, but even I would say there is an eventual need to shut it, even for British hotties. Less yapping, more tapping, please.
But while there are the naysayers, I was happy to find just as many fellow dirty talk supporters.
For example, my good friend David thinks it’s often necessary.
“For me, if it was a casual hook-up or a one-night-stand, I’d have to say that dirty talk is must,” he said, “because a hook-up, to me, is kind of dirty.”
Others I’ve talked to, like David, agree that though they enjoy exchanging naughty discourse, the act is highly situational.
David said, “If it was a boyfriend or someone that I am in love with, I’m not so sure I would be as big into the dirty talk. I mean, there will be times when the sex is just really really hot and dirty, but I think that the more intimate ‘love-making’ situations may not be such an appropriate time for that.”
He’s right.
But at the right place and time with the right person, talking dirty can kick everything up to just the right notch, leading to fantastic ravaging. And who doesn’t like being fantastically ravaged?
So, I’m totally in support of spicing things up verbally, but find it disheartening that it is indeed generally difficult, awkward or inopportune to bring up in bed.
Aside from reasons we’ve already covered, I feel that today’s social expectations between guys and girls also play a huge part in inhibiting people’s ability to “express themselves” to each other.
For example, these days, guys think twice about saying things to girls that would offend them or make them uncomfortable. This is great, but you can see where this could make a guy uneasy about crossing any thresholds or boundaries when it comes to talking during sex.
On the other hand, a girl may worry about not being dirty enough. She might also worry about coming off completely “slutty” and being judged, but I think it’s easier to give into the notion that guys like the “crazier” girls in bed. So, when a girl is put on the spot, there’s pressure to take things beyond her comfort zone to keep things interesting.
So, while I love dirty talk and encourage people to explore it as a way to keep up the heat, I realize that several issues come into play, and that for some of us, it’s simply a lot to ask.
But for those who wouldn’t mind trying, I want to show that it doesn’t HAVE to be so difficult and awkward. Here are six basic guidelines for dirty-talk-induced ravaging of the fantastic nature.
1. First and foremost, keep things short and sweet. You want less like actual conversation, and more like provocative utterances of satisfaction and desire.
2. Know that this can all start before you even touch each other. Start small. Send them a text saying how much you want them, or how much you enjoyed the other night. This can help the both of you talk about your desires more easily later on. And it’s important to get psyched.
3. Once in bed, start with the basics. The oohs and the aahs. Then talk about how good it feels, what you like, and what you want to do next. When you’ve expressed yourself and established your initial level of comfort, it makes it easier for the other person to follow your lead. Ask them if it feels good, and what they would like for you to do. Their responses will hopefully clue you in to their comfort level to which you can adjust.
4. Once you begin figuring out what they’re into, start experimenting with things you know they want to hear. What they want is key.
5. However far this exchange takes you, know that there ARE lines you shouldn’t cross. Name calling or any language meant to degrade your partner is NOT ok. So have some respect.
6. This is supposed to be fun, so keep it that way. Enjoy.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Natalie Bui at Natalie.bui@colorado.edu.
