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Our parents dated. They pursued each other with a purpose, falling for the disarming features that their one-and-only possessed. A mess of circumstance, pheromones, electric encounters and shy smiles pushed them to a place of vulnerability that they were afraid of, but wanted to visit anyway. They took chances, faced rejection, and moved cautiously, but continued on despite heartache. Our parents’ generation accepted that love included losing a bit of control.
Millenials are different. Millenials are guarded, alleging to be independent masters of their own universe. We, in the 21st century, have generally decided that maintaining control is more important than the chance of love, and avoiding heartbreak altogether is better than any amount of vulnerability. Watching a Netflix movie on the couch is as much of a “date” as a quiet dinner or lively event. We find comfort in choice, constantly accessing a plethora of manicured internet profiles with the hope that if the last one didn’t work for us, at least one more will.
My question lately as been this: why has detachment replaced emotion, and how does that feel any better?
I understand that falling for someone else requires risk, and the crushing potential of rejection. But I don’t understand how participating in a hook-up culture is any safer for our well-being. There’s a numbness that comes with the constant repetition of meeting, talking about nothing, sleeping, or not, and driving home alone. You wanted someone there with you, to warm the sheets across the bed, to tell your secrets to. Jumping straight to intimate actions sufficiently mocked intimacy itself, but only for one fleeting hour or so. On your drive home, you realize that the person you spent your time with might only know one new thing about you.
“Hooking up” is a cycle of longing and instant gratification, but I’ll admit there is empowerment mixed in to all the nonsense. It’s the positive aspect of the culture that keeps people like us coming back for more. For a while, it’s easy to be emotionally self-sufficient, reconciling the lack of courtship or meaningful conversation with the gain of a low-maintenance fling. You feel your inner “miss independent” swell with pride at masterfully eluding the pains of romance. You strategically keep a fraction of your heart focused on them, while your eyes constantly scan elsewhere. It’s fun to wonder who else you can fabricate a connection with, and find confidence in easily cutting ties.
The fun is fleeting, though. It usually ends after that one night, one conversation, or one lingering stare where the immaculate, mess-free balance is shifted. One of you blinks first, and starts to fall. As casual as you tried to be, you’re suddenly disarmed, wanting to find security in a more concrete type of connection, or — dare I say it — a relationship.
What we should understand is that the “fun” only begins at that point. Falling for another person, or experiencing the heart-pounding vulnerability of “making a move”, isn’t something to be afraid of. It’s something to relish and enjoy. The high of falling in love outweighs any heartbreak to follow, because we always go back for more eventually. It’s no secret that our generation prefers constant motion to routine, and that we would prefer to coast along the fast-track to intimacy rather than earn it. But this route lacks substance. Cheap relational fibers wear quickly, fading away just in time to eye someone new and wonder “what if”?
Whether you hook up to heal pain from a past relationship, to combat a marred self-esteem, or avoid handling (logistically or emotionally) a real relationship, it’s time to slow down in giving yourself away. Instead of pridefully claiming our generation’s short attention spans and high-speed way of life as positive, we might sit back and wonder if supplementing one person’s flaws with the positive traits of someone new is really the right way to go about love.
Five pictures and a short description isn’t a sufficient enough premise to accept or reject a connection. Neither is a half-hearted “hanging out” period (because we would never call that the “dating stage”) where other candidates are clouding your subconscious. Too much is overlooked for these types of interactions to truly show whether someone is worthy to pursue or not.
So, the challenge is not to stop hooking up, but rather to make your hook-up interests longer-term goals and not just two-week stands. Multiple, frequent matches do not build a perfect one. Only time does.
Contact CU Independent Managing Editor Jordyn Siemens at Jordyn.Siemens@colorado.edu.
