Opinion: Federal foreclosure — how we should default on our debtors

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Last month, Congress raised the debt ceiling for the 42nd time since 1980.

It’s possible the bill was passed because our representatives feared the public ridicule or another congressional standstill. Maybe House Republicans were trying to avoid looking like the party that refused to negotiate. Or perhaps our congressmen are on exactly the same page as the rest of the American public and have no idea what the national debt actually means. Either way, it’s clear that our nation is intent on digging the hole ever deeper.

Thus, I propose that we as citizens begin taking matters into our own hands.

Let’s run through a scenario of what would happen if you were to default on your debt. Your day would begin with a knock at the door from your friendly neighborhood police department, cheerily informing you to gather up your things and vacate the premises. This is known as foreclosure: the process of your debt owner collecting their dues and using your property as payment. It’s a nightmarish ordeal for the everyday citizen, and the subsequent declaration of bankruptcy is often the final nail in your financial coffin.

So who’s to say the government should operate any differently? Congress uses tax money from you and I. Every stretch of highway we rely on to get to work, every administrative office that regulates welfare, every “necessary” nuclear armament that sits idle in a warehouse is owned by the people. If our taxes are intended to cover the cost of civil services and our government can’t balance the books well enough to deliver, the debts they accrue with foreign ministries are simply a byproduct of the actual debt they owe to us as citizens.

In their failure to supply the services and infrastructure we need, the government has failed to repay its debts to us, the generous tax-paying public. So now it’s time for them to foreclose. Americans, reclaim your shit.

The first step in claiming your share of the government yard sale is to pay your own share of the national debt. Presently, that’s just over $54,000. Once your share is up, it’s really up to you how you want to spend your American gift card.

If it were me, the first things I’d grab are highways. Obviously, the necessity for roads is enormous in our car-loving society, and their value is limitless. Much like a troll, I’d begin setting up tollbooths for safe passage, likely every two or three miles.

But if that isn’t your thing, don’t fret, for there are endless ways to cash in on the foreclosure. Curious about nuclear fusion? Los Alamos might be the spot for you—and if you’re fast enough, you might manage to capture a couple scientists before they scurry off to work for the Iranian government. Got a knack for bureaucracy? I’d recommend heading straight for your state’s federal budgeting offices. Odds are, if you can use a calculator or have ever seen the movie “Rain Man,” you can probably do a better job distributing resources than our current government.

Contact CU Independent staff writer Sam Schanfarber at Samuel.Schanfarber@Colorado.edu.

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