I Hate Everything: February is the worst, and it’s almost over

 

As students, our measurement of time—specifically years— seems to be dictated more by the school year than the Gregorian calendar. Because of this, the month of February becomes this exhausting halfway point teeming with stress, a packed schedule, and endless amounts of sleepless nights with seemingly no end in sight. Instead of being a fresh beginning to a new year, it is a hell-like purgatory connecting two semesters and just far enough into the second semester to push you into possessing the emotional and mental stability of a sociopath. February is the worst month of the year, and it is almost over. Here are some reflections on its monstrosities just in case you didn’t get your fair share, and here are some things to look forward to as you prepare to flip to the next kitten picture on your kitty calendar.

(Josh Shettler/CU Independent Illustration)
(Josh Shettler/CU Independent Illustration)

February is full of far too abrupt midterms. School just began. Didn’t it just begin last week? Weren’t you just choosing second

semester classes? Weren’t you just sitting on your parent’s couch covered in wrapping paper and your childhood pets enjoying the last of winter break? Out of nowhere you get an email from your anthropology professor with a subject line reading “Test 1” and an attachment called “study guide,” and you are staring in a mixture of disbelief and horror as you wonder what could even be on the test. What have you even learned yet.

You take out your notebook and flip through your notes and have a couple definitions along with some doodles, and you think, “are these three definitions and an essay question asking me which correlating doodle I drew next to them going to make up this midterm because that is literally all the information I have.” Then you realize that maybe you’ve missed a few classes, and, perhaps, you’ve been telling yourself that it’s fine to skip class this week because, hey, isn’t it still syllabus week or something? The semester just started! Nothing important will happen! EXCEPT, OOPS, A MIDTERM.

February means I either have to freak out about Valentine’s Day or be annoyed by people freaking out about Valentine’s Day. There is no middle ground. You cannot pretend the day does not exist when your social media is inundated by your pals posting poorly filtered pictures of grocery store roses or extremely cynical, borderline suicidal tirades about how they are forever subjected to a life of loneliness and heartache. The day is smack dab in the middle of the month, leaving two weeks of gross anticipation and two weeks of even grosser recaps. Basically, I need another twelve months before I can see a conversation heart without feeling nauseous.

Speaking of nausea, in February, everyone is ill. Just perpetually ill. You wake up one morning and your throat feels like Paula Deen just came at it with a new cheese grater, and your head feels stuffier than a philosophy department meeting. The next day you feel deceivingly fine, but the day after that you have contracted some rare strain of the flu that demands bed rest and constant Facebook complaining and updates of the amount of mucus in your nose. The paranoia of germs and contracting illnesses takes over your life, and eventually you just wind up sniffling inside your room surrounded by empty bottles of hand sanitizer and blankets.

And please keep the blankets coming because February is ungodly cold. No matter the amount of layers you pile on, you will find yourself shaking with icicles dripping out of all facial orifices. You begin to rotate the three warmest sweaters you own and get really good at quickly standing up and shuffling away after you fall for the fourth time in a tragic black ice incident.  By the end of the month, you feel like a frozen Satan in the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno. Don’t feel too bad; even Satan was once an angel, or so the story goes.

Cue angelic voices booming down from above. March is in view. March, the month of intermittent warm days that break up the snowy wasteland. The month that contains the wonderfully underrated holiday that is St. Patrick’s Day—a day of strictly drinking, zero stressful present exchanging, and the wearing of the great color green. The first day of spring—the season of blooming and sunshine and days spent at the creek– comes March 20.  March Madness occurs with brackets and betting and people who like sports liking sports. Basically, March is fantastic and the light at the end of the February tunnel. Additionally, it is my birthday month, so if you’re feeling in particular good March spirits, feel free to send me gifts and donations via the email listed below.

Contact CU Independent Opinions Editor Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.Hernandez@colorado.edu.

Elizabeth Hernandez

Elizabeth Hernandez is a news-editorial major who sees the world in terms of satirical material. She can usually be found reading the news with her head in her hands, furiously writing op-eds, watching cat videos, or judging people's Instagram feeds.

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