New new year’s resolutions

The opinions represented in this article do not necessarily represent those of the staff of CUIndependent.com nor any of its sponsors.

With January coming to a close, it’s about that time that your New Year’s Resolutions are on their last leg. You had such good intentions of making your yearly promises last longer than the standard few weeks, but once again you find yourself justifying your reasons for eating three Hostess Cupcakes before bedtime and you now count the trek to the third floor of Norlin Library to be a perfectly adequate amount of exercise for the week.

If no one sees it then it never happened, CUI's Elizabeth Hernandez shares tips on how to follow through with your new year's resolutions. (CU Independent/Josh Shettler)

As an avid abandoner of resolutions, I am here to tell you that you are not alone in your surrendering of these yearly goals. In fact, this abandonment doesn’t have to be considered surrender at all. Your New Year’s resolutions simply need some modifications to be able to carry you throughout the rest of the year.

Everyone’s most popular New Year commitment — to regularly attend the gym and shed those holiday pounds — is typically the first to go. You buy new running shoes and work-out pants, make a few new playlists on your iPod full of upbeat songs that are perfect for cardio, and you end up walking through the gym doors a total of three times that month before you call it quits. It was a truly valiant effort, and I commend you on the dedication you put forth. However, I have a small modification for you.

Instead of going to the gym three times a week for some “me” time, you could watch Jim three times a week on re-runs of “The Office.”  That way the next time you’re looking for an excuse to get out of unwanted plans, you can say with the utmost honesty that you have to get your Jim time in today. If you spend time doing something you actually want to do, you will follow through.

Your promise to watch what you eat can proceed to be carried out once you realize that stealthy is the new healthy. The next time you feel like gorging yourself on six servings of microwavable pizza bites, go right ahead — just don’t let anyone see you do it. This way, nobody can cast their judgmental eyes upon you and make you feel like less of a human being simply because you have a fixation for food that will probably result in long-term health effects later in life.

Your friends will be baffled by your willpower when you show up on your lunch break with only a few carrot sticks and an apple, but little do they know, while you offered to gather napkins for the rest of the table, you also inhaled a pepperoni Hot Pocket you were stashing in your bag. These secret feasts will stretch your belly to its maximum capacity that will conveniently allow you to stomach this newfound shame.

Lastly, I’m sure you vowed to do better in school this semester. The sentiment behind that statement is admirable, but it’s much too broad. Do better than whom, exactly? Once you think of an adequate answer to that question, you’re good to go.

You could pledge to do better than the stoner in your British literature class who probably turned in an analytical essay on the themes and motifs of the inside of his eyelids. Perhaps you could do better than the engineer in your poetry class who spends the entire period trying to come up with a systematic equation for producing rhyme schemes. Whoever you decide upon, I trust that you’ll make the right choice.

Don’t let the next eleven months go by with regrets of tossing your resolutions to the curb. Push yourself to maybe a quarter of your potential. Your blissful delusion will be proof that when the going gets tough, it’s better to just lower the bar — that’s the American way.

Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.hernandez@colorado.edu.