I hate everything: Come to the dark side

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Equipped with coffee cups and bags under their eyes, the kids in my 9 a.m. class foolishly compete to see who stayed up the latest the night before. Rattling off the list of homework that kept him awake, the self-proclaimed night owl to my left brags, “I pretty much never sleep. I went to bed at, like, one this morning.”

If I wasn’t so exhausted, I would have punched him in his well-rested face.

Assuming none of my dreams or aspirations ends up working out for me, I take comfort in knowing I am the idol that nocturnal species worship. I don’t sleep. I nap.

If you come to me expecting wonderment and sympathy because you only got six hours of sleep—comparable to a coma in my opinion—I might choose that exact moment to catch a few winks and tune you out.

(CU Independent Illustration/Robert R. Denton)

Why people choose to go unconscious for the entire night baffles me. Perhaps it is the idea that night offers a sense of mystery and excitement, as if anything could happen, that draws me to it. Maybe it is the procrastinator in me who views the night as a haven of homework catch-up that makes me so fond of it.

More realistically, it’s the ability of darkness to hide breakouts and flyaway hairs that makes me so partial. Whatever the reason, the span of time between midnight and 5 a.m. is sacred, and if you choose to snooze through it, I judge you.

I hope to see a day when I can walk up to a storefront at two in the morning and not be met with locked doors and dim interiors. I long for a time when it is socially acceptable to send a friend a hilarious text in the middle of the night without receiving just a sleep-muddled reply. I dream of a society of creatures of the night coexisting in sleep-deprived euphoria. I imagine them waving to each other with hands that are shaky from too much caffeine and ridiculing all of those infantile souls who passed out long ago.

I understand that sleep is “necessary” and that without it, our bodies could face negative side-effects. This is why I encourage naps during the day. You may claim that you are too busy for such luxuries, but I assure you that is not the case. I’ll show you the ropes of napping on the go.

Class, for example, offers the perfect amount of white noise to lull you into dreamland. Or perhaps you are obligated to attend a play because your best friend is the lead. Lucky for you, you are blessed with dim lighting, anonymity amongst the audience, and the right amount of back support. Just make sure to Google the play beforehand so you can tell her that she was particularly spectacular in Act IV, Scene II when she performed her solo song.

Now I’m not saying the nocturnal life is glamorous. Your best friend might begin to notice if you continue to sleep through her plays when you have no real feedback for her. Your grades may begin to decline when you start confusing what part of the history lecture was real and what part you dreamed. Betsy Ross and George Washington never got it on under the liberty bell, right?

As a night owl, your bloodstream runs with more coffee than blood, which is probably unhealthy. Not to mention, you’re probably jittery to the point of appearing deranged. With Halloween approaching, picking a costume should be a no-brainer since you’ll look like a zombie, regardless.

Despite a couple downfalls, the nocturnal lifestyle is the only way to go. Night owls of a feather flock together, so come to the dark side.

Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lizzy Hernandez at Elizabeth.hernandez@colorado.edu.