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Today is a day for celebration. Today is National Coming Out Day.
The holiday is observed as a “reminder that one of our most basic tools is the power of coming out,” according to the Human Rights Campaign. However, that power does not come easily.
There’s a saying about writing that goes “I don’t like writing, I like having written.” I think the same thing can be said about coming out. Coming out sucks—but being out is a relief.
Coming out is also one of those things that’s hard to talk about, because it’s such a different experience for everybody. But since I’ve been around the block a couple times by now, I thought I would give some advice.
Personally, the only reason I came out was that I got to the point where it became a better alternative to being in the closet. I think most people in the LGBT community can agree that being in the closet is terrible—it can feel safe for a while, but eventually it starts to feel like you’re lying just by existing. It was at this point I realized I needed to come out.
If this is where you are, then you have my condolences. It’s not fun to feel like you’re stuck between two scary alternatives. But in my experience, the fear of coming out is worse than the actual conversation.
You can find a million pieces of advice about coming out, but ultimately it’s going to be up to you. Each situation is so specific to the individual that you’re going to have to trust your judgement about what you should say and how you think the people you’re telling are going to react. The pros will tell you not to come out in a car (nowhere to go if things go south) or by text or email (too impersonal), but I’ve done both and it’s gone great, so really, you do you.
All that being said, here are a few tips:
-It’s okay to be nervous. This is a big conversation, and it’s going to affect how people see you. Even if you’re almost positive your friends, family or whoever you’re coming out to will be nothing but supportive, it’s still a hard thing to do, and you’re not silly or weak for being anxious.
-But try not to be too nervous. Don’t psych yourself out. Coming out can be nerve-wracking, but it’s pretty unlikely that people are going to react worse than you predict, and they will likely react better. Catastrophizing about what could go wrong will only make you more worried about the whole thing, so try to remain calm. You’ve got this.
-And lastly: you don’t have to come out. In a lot of circumstances it can have a positive impact on your life, but that’s not always the case. If you’re in a situation where it’s not safe to be out or you really just aren’t ready, then don’t. You aren’t betraying the LGBT community by staying in the closet and you have the rest of your life to plan when and how you want to tell people about your identity. Don’t feel pressured to start now.
Regardless of whether you use National Coming Out Day as the impetus to come out to someone in your life or not, I hope you enjoy this holiday. Several years ago, the idea that I would be out and writing articles like this was unthinkable. I’ve come a long way and I know many of you have, too.
Whether you’ve been out for years or you’re just starting your coming out journey, I’m proud of you. Best of luck, and happy holidays!
Contact CU Independent staff writer Carina Julig at carina.julig@colorado.edu.
