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Residents of Williams Village and beyond are allowed the privilege of taking the Buff Bus. She is a beautiful sight on a frigid day waiting outside Muenzinger or a Friday night outside the UMC, but as many regulars know, it can also be a massive pain if fellow passengers behave unpleasantly.
The first step is to swarm the bus when it comes into view like piranha descending on their prey. If you don’t shove at least three people out of your way to be first in line, you’re doing it wrong. Make sure the people exiting the bus have to awkwardly squeeze through the swarm to escape. Better yet, flood the bus with other Buff Bus-ers before anyone can even get off.
Once on the bus and you find yourself forced to stand, make sure you position yourself so your backpack and/or butt is directly in the face of a seated person, to reap revenge on them for getting a seat. It’s only fair. No matter how many times they try to keep your backpack or butt from slamming into their face when the bus comes to a violent stop, or yanks you out of existence when it goes to make a turn after being at a complete stop, ensure you make their ride as uncomfortable as possible by holding your ground.
If you are seated, put your backpack in any open seat next to you so that no one can sit there. Plug into your iPod or phone and ignore any requests for your things to be moved because your backpack has had a long day and it needs to rest.
The final step, one you must commit to before even ever stepping on the bus, is to never shower – stop bathing and don’t wash your clothes. That way, you can fill the bus with your essence which is sure to not only make everyone else’s ride more enjoyable, but also make you more attractive. The Buff Bus is prime hunting ground when you’re oiled up with six days of grunge and sweat.
Follow these simple steps and you’re sure to become the the most well-liked and admired passenger.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Megan Curry at Megan.firstname.lastname@example.org.