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With the upcoming election in November, citizens of the United States are already gearing up for the constant political assaults offered by the parties of both the Republican and Democratic presidential nominees.
Thankfully, some relief can be found in the minor and obscure political parties present in this great nation –– some small, some large and some just plain weird. Forget the seemingly hundreds of Republican candidate debates. If political journalism really wants to draw an audience, invite representatives from the following five parties to battle it out on live TV. Now that would be something worth watching.
Behold, the best of the worst of our democracy.
The Light Party:
Hidden in a bunch of peace, love and happiness, part of the Light Party’s political agenda is to create a “sustainable global solar hydrogen/hemp-based economy” and to convert Alcatraz into a “Global Peace Center.”
How they plan to do this is still a mystery, even to those visiting their website for further explanation. What exactly would a hemp-based economy look like? But there is an opportunity to receive a free, relaxing New Age CD by joining their mailing list, perhaps helping listeners rise above the confusion that their incoherent platform seems to produce.
Ratification of the 21st Amendment in 1933 did not deter the Prohibition Party from continuing their struggle against alcohol. This party is still trying to fight the good fight, even 89 years later.
According to their 2012 party platform, this uber-conservative party also opposes gambling, pornography, tobacco and marijuana.
So for the approximately zero college students who agree with these restrictions, remember:
“If you are a reform-minded conservative and a non-drinker, the Prohibition party wants you!”
U.S. Marijuana Party:
With a mission focused on “over-growing the Government,” the U.S. Marijuana Party is surprisingly feisty in their fight for legal marijuana use.
The homepage of their websites states, “WE are Americans and WE do not piss in a cup for anyone!” It is clear that those working on their website were definitely not under the influence of their sacred plant while doing so.
The U.S. Marijuana Party has chapters in Colorado (surprise, surprise), Kentucky, Maryland and Wyoming (actually a surprise).
American Beer Drinker’s Party:
With a website missing both a party platform and a manifesto, the U.S. Marijuana Party completely out-smokes the American Beer Drinker’s Party in terms of professionalism.
Their headline describes them as, “America’s premium political party, committed to the ideology founded on the simple logic, developed when men (& women) sit down, talk, and have a beer.” The typos and incorrect grammar within the headline itself and sprinkled throughout their website make the party look like a bunch of boozers that put together a political party on a drunken dare.
To what ideology and logic they are referring to is a mystery. Perhaps it only appears to the lucky few of the party somewhere between their games of flip cup and keg stands.
Guns and Dope Party:
At first glance the Guns and Dope Party of California’s philosophy sounds pretty simple: strip the government of power and allow the people to do what they want, when they want. Dope and guns are definitely included.
Further reading of its website catapults this party into the realm of “cray-cray,” though. It is revealed that they would like to, “Fire 33% of the Congress [names selected at random] and replace them with full-grown adult ostritches (sic), whose mysterious and awesome dignity will elevate the suidaen barbarity long established there.” Congratulations, Guns and Dope Party, you have reached a level of absurdity that makes even Rush Limbaugh look sane.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Kelsey Anne Lindsey at Kelsey.firstname.lastname@example.org.