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There’s nothing like Halloween to make you a paranoid mess.
Whether it’s vampires, werewolves, or that creepy guy at the haunted house who’s waving his faux chainsaw a little too close to your face, everyone has irrational fears. With so many of our greatest nightmares walking around in costume form, Halloween is the ideal holiday to confront our fears head on.
For example, I’m terrified of streetwalkers. The procession of women wearing a few stitches of material and calling it a costume is going to be really difficult for
me. Since our morals seem to slip further and further with each passing year, I’m sure this Halloween’s selection of barely-there costumes will be even worse than previous years. It looks like I’m going to have to be brave if I plan on facing my fears.
To ease myself into the idea, I ventured to a costume shop to check out their merchandise. In case you have trouble finding the female section, just look for the rows and rows of costume names prefaced with the word “sexy.” As it turns out, you can make anything “sexy” these days.
Yandy.com, a leading online shop stocked with the hottest costumes for ladies seeking to show some skin, has some gems for sale. They have the old standbys including skimpy cops, nurses, sailors, and such. However, they also have a new generation of sexy costumes that I like to call “things-that-should-never-be-made-sexy.” These include a sexy Etch-A-Sketch, a limited edition sexy straightjacket, a sexy hamster, sexy pineapple, and my personal favorite, the sexy skunk.
Nothing brings the boys to the yard like a woodland creature known for emitting foul odors.
This is real life. These costumes are being purchased and worn by actual people. Probably by people we know. I hate to burst their skimpy bubbles, but squeezing into an itty bitty, yellow tube top dress does not count as a costume no matter how many times you try to tell me you’re a banana. If you’re wearing so little apparel that I can’t even understand what you’re trying to be, you’ve gone too far.
At least try to be a little clever if you’re trying to pull off the sparse style. If you’re looking for something cheap and innovative, why don’t you just go as a nudist?
For those who want to keep the boys staring without looking too trashy, I have some suggestions: racy recalled cantaloupe, risqué RA, and come-hither campus security.
The list could go on and on. With a little creativity, you can create something that will show off your hot bod without compromising your dignity because that’s all I’m really asking. I’m not suggesting you wear a baggy sack or anything. Everyone wants to look cute on festive occasions. Just keep in mind, you want to look flirty instead of dirty.
If nothing else, you’ll have a better time getting your grind on without the worry of your goods being exposed. This Halloween, instead of scaring small children with the shortness of your skirt, scare them with your ingenuity.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Lizzy Hernandez atElizabeth.firstname.lastname@example.org.